The First Few Days

Remember those first few days after you have a baby.  You don't really remember anything because you are in a twilight zone of daze.  Everything seems surreal & you wonder, am I really living this and surviving it?

Yhea, that's kinda where we are at now.

So my apologies for lack of any communication to everyone who's reached out.  I'm kinda at this point where I can't even remember if I showered or not.  So constructing cohesive responses is out of my ballpark currently.

Also, the question... how are you doing?  How are things going?  I'm not sure how many more fake smiles I can give.

We are in the trenches and it ain't pretty.

I'm going to write a book- after I get out of this daze called "The Real Truth About Adoption- all those feelings that EVERYONE feels but NO ONE talkes about when you adopt".   I know this because after wrestling many feelings, we have reached out to other families only to find- 'hey, we felt that too & hey, you know what... no one ever talks about it' .  They are valid and real feelings and you are not wrong feeling them.

Thank you.  That is what I need to hear to keep going.   That others felt this way.  Others survived.  And we all will too!

One baby step at a time.

So those first few days.  Let's get the ugly over with first....so we can end on a positive note (although how positive I don't know because she's in the midst of ANOTHER fit.  Number 1,999 of the day).

Ugly.  The jet lag.  Holy hell it's bad.  Nothing says welcome to an entire life change like not sleeping for anyone that traveled from China.   For 5 days straight.   We are still not regulated & it PHYSICALLY hurts to move, think & function.  

The fits.  Oh, believe me, I GET WHY she does it.  I KNOW.  She's terrified.  She's lost everything she knows and she can't communicate.  I'd fit too.  But the fit after screaming fit after screaming fit is SO HARD to deal with.   And there's NO WAY to communicate with her to deal.  Oh, and she rocks and hits herself because of the learned behaviors at that stupid effin' institution.   Oh, and she won't let me touch her in her fits or when she's upset.   It's pretty  much awesome for everyone involved.

The previous baby of the family.  Her transition to middle sister is not pretty.  Girl is jealous, resentful & sad... all while trying to bond with this new sister who doens't speak her language.  She's acting out, she's regressing behaviors, she's crying & she's becoming more anxious in school.  So much that we have the social worker involved to help us.   Last night was uber fun with our normal not so pretty 'time to go to bed' crying along with Sarah sobbing both at the same time.  Both needing me.  But yhea, I'm only one person.  Hard stuff.

Which leads me to sleeping.  (the very tiny little bit the three of us get).  She. Hates. It.  I'm sure it's because once again- she's terrified.  I get that.  But she won't let me comfort her when she's upset.  So how do I help?  We are finally (as of last night) to a point where she let me hold her while she fell asleep with small sobs instead of a full out crying, screaming episode that lasted forever.   And she wakes at night (jet lag? other? time will tell).   More crying, rocking herself, not letting me near her.  Did I mention I have two other kids who need me too?  The 2 hour bedtime routine isn't going to work when I fly solo at nights (which is most nights). 

Did I mention the tiredness?  Oh, I did.  OK.

So let's move on to the positive now.  Although it can be hard to see, it IS there.  She's moving along... and exploring a world she never knew existed.  New sights, new sounds, people who love her and focus on her.   It's all new to her.. and as my cousin Jen put it- it's neat to see becasue it's not like a baby (even though the actions ARE what a baby goes through) because she understands it more....

Like discovering a leaf......

Or playing with a big sister in the fort of our treehouse

(We're still working on going down the slide)

Or having a tea party with a sister & a cousin.

Learning what exists out in the world... and exploring it with her senses (she's very touch oriented, strokes, flicks & puts it up to her ear- probably to compesate for poor eyesight)...

A popsicle (she doesn't like cold so she didn't eat it).......

So cold!

Flicking the texture close to her ear... Becca looks on thinking 'what the hell?'

Discovering a new food she really likes (sliced cheese) while sharing with her big sis & a fat pug.

(After all, where there is food to be found.  There is always a fat pug close by).

Side note- she's doing FANTASTIC with the animals.  She has no issues with them at all.  And the few times she's reached out to pet them she's been extremely gentle.

Other big firsts:  She walked on grass, she stepped outside by herself (wont' do the stairs yet), she's mastering some baby sign for eat, more, drink, juice, down, up, bath.  She's picking up listening to English (not necessarily repeating it back but receptive language).  She understands 'shoes on, shoes off, dog, cat, walk, bath, baby'.   

She went on her first trip to target & outside of letting go of her socks to scan them (small fit), she did good.

She lights up with both her big sisters.  Her and Sarah are bath buddies and have a grand ole' time splashing away.    Sarah's trying to teach her how to play Animal Jam.

The world is hers to discover & she's mastering the courage to do it.  So many new sights and sounds and experiences.  After all, she has four years to make up. 

However, no matter what.  China will always be in her heart.  You know how I know.  Because of her fashionable footwear that is something that is only ever found on the streets of China.....

Her sister's dirty Justice socks (on upside down) with a pair of flip flops.  AWESOME, rockin' outfit girl!

And so this post must end.  Becasue it's time for that most favorite part of the day.  Bedtime.

Please say a prayer we make it past 2.  (or 12:30am in my case). 

Also, just saying.. if anyone wants to drop off some dinner for me.  I'm open to it.  :) Ha!

Over and out- NOT from China.  But rather, from the zombieland streets of Jetlagville, USA.