I can not believe it's been one year since you came into our lives. I remember August 16, 2012 like it was yesterday. Every image and feeling that flowed through me comes flooding back so easily.
You were walked into a sterile, cold room...in a little purple dress that was too big for you. With shoes that were also too big for you..... You were told to say Hi Mama. Hi Baba. We smiled. You knew us. How wrong we were. How much we didn't realize you had no idea what a mama or baba was. What a family was. What love was.
You were so, so scared. You cried when we tried to get into the car. What was happening to you? You had no idea. No one told you. You were never taught to speak, so you couldn't ask.
We spent that first day together in fear. You. And us. And no way to bridge the gap that divided us. No way to communicate. No way to look into the future to see how it would all turn out.
You sat on the hotel bed. Paralyzed. You didn't cry. But you didn't move either. You were waiting for permission. Because that was required in your old life. But we didn't know that. We tried to engage you. You were more interested in flicking things. We tried to give you something to drink. You wouldn't drink. We tried to put you on a toilet. You were not potty trained. When we asked these questions the orphanage, no one could tell us anything. Because they didn't know either. They never bothered to find out. Nights were hard as you rocked and rocked while emitting a horrible, unreal sound. The sound of a trance of fear/self-soothe. It's a horrible sound... and the only thing you had for 4 years when you were scared. No one listened to it anyways when they needed to. You were left alone- scared- to face a cold world. You were a shell with 4 years of neglect under your belt. No one had held you, rocked you, touched you or loved you. Your hands were the only touch you knew. The only interaction you'd had.
The sights and sounds of China overwhelmed us all. You, having never been outside those cold gray walls...and us... being spoiled Westerners with a newly, struggling adopted child. There was no comfort anywhere, because you didn't know how to accept comfort or love. No one taught you or showed you. How many tears were shed that day, a year ago... and the days to follow. By all of us. Wondering where would this all lead?
Tears flow today too. Right now, as I write this. But for a whole different reason. For the reason that I'm amazed and awed by the journey we took these past 365 days. The courage you showed and still continue to show as you learn to put your past behind you and go out and live your life.
You showed the world how strong you are. You learned to walk on grass, and go down slides, swing with glee, smell flowers, drink out of a cup, use a bathroom, speak a different language, seek comfort for your hurts, hug & LOVE. You learned what a family meant. What a mama and daddy were. What sisters were. What a home was. That you were safe here. And never again would you have to go back to that. It took a long time. It's still taking time. But how far you have come... so very, very far.
You have learned YOU matter. YOU have choices. You will always be taken care of. You will always be loved. And your eyes light up now when you run to give hugs and kisses. Those same hugs and kisses we yearned for a year ago, now come with ease. And with a smile or laugh (and what an awesome laugh you have!). At night you smile and hold my hand as you tell me You lub me. And you sleep...without waking and rocking.
You pick your clothes & your toys. Your food and your shoes. You learned that family includes Grandmas and Grandpas and Aunts and Uncles. And lots of people who love you. So many people love you. You not only changed us but you have changed lots of other people too- with your bravery! You are such a gift.
You taught me so much. You stretched me farther than anything in my entire life. I never imaged how hard it would be to take this journey, but I also never realized the great rewards it offers either. This past year showed my extreme weaknesses as a parent & as a human. And also showed my strongest strengths as one. You taught me all that. You, my child of my heart... you did that!
That red invisible string reached across oceans, to tie together the right hearts & bring you home where you belong. Surrounded by love. Oh, Charlie girl, you are so loved. Never forget that.
This year has been many things- but most of what it has been is forming what we will have the rest of our lives. You, as my daughter and I as your mother. Together. LOVED. Any pain and tears were worth it 100 times over. My only wish is we had begun this journey years earlier. That you would have found the arms in which you belong, long before the 4 years that it took.
But right now, we are together . A year later. Your smile lights up this room & we have cupcakes (chocolate, of course) waiting for us to eat to celebrate your one year day of being in our family.
I can not wait to see what the future brings. And to watch you grow.
All my love,
Momma
One year later. A whole different girl. A year ago...an orphan. Today..our daughter.
Charlotte Meifang. "Char Char"
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